Why my wife left me (how our marriage collapsed)

Why my wife left me (how our marriage collapsed)

it’s Coffee time welcome back to the tech elite show now a few weeks ago I revealed that my wife had left me which is all great and everything but I didn’t really go into many of the details in fact I mostly just talked about the money aspect and I feel like I kind of left you guys on a little bit of a cliffhanger and wanted to go over some of the other details more broadly in the hopes that my mistakes can be learnings for you and save your relationship either now or in some future I think it’s actually quite fascinating how a blissful marriage can just dissolve and turn into garbage and you know Warren Buffett once said that the most important decision you make in your life is who you choose to marry which is absolutely true it is the foundation for your happiness when I look back and think about all the savings that we had discounts deals coupons birthday presents Christmas holidays vacations time spent arguing with each other talking working things out in the hopes that we could save the relationship literally thousands of hours spent wasted and all those gifts we exchanged all those coupons and deals we save they just went to the lawyers right when I went to the lawyer and paid them five hundred dollars an hour I just thought that was the money that we had saved when we decided not to eat out when we decided to have a cheaper dinner when we saved on activities rejoice at Black Friday deals yeah I’ll just went to the lawyers in the end we did have some good times some good memories but it’s better to that’s why I take my coffee black so I’m not going to cover every single aspect but I think it’s interesting to look at one aspect of this story which I think can happen to anybody really so here’s the story I was working over at Google at the time and everything was okay going fairly smoothly and I decided to switch jobs over to Facebook so we needed to relocate now here’s where things get interesting in the Bay Area housing is extremely expensive and my parents just so happened to have a house very nice big one right near Facebook campus maybe 20 minutes away or so and we had the dog and the child so we needed the place that we were very particular about because our child had allergies to other things carpeting for instance and for our dog Sunday we need that the pet from the apartment is just extremely hard to find something like this and so I thought my ex well hey we can either go live in their crappy shoebox apartment that probably could be a hazard for our child and could make our dog miserable or we could go live with our parents we would save a lot of money here two four thousand dollars per month normally that we would have to pay in rent and I said well we could save that for any furniture you want like you’re dreaming about Padre Barn furniture we can save for that and the meanwhile we can be looking for an actual house that we can buy or just for another apartment it would just give us more time and you I never pressured her into this agreement but she agreed and she thought it would might be fun to try it out and at the time the relationships between everybody was great my parents really welcomed her in now as you may guess what happened is in love relationships they never seem to go quite as well as planned I don’t know why it could just be nature but over the course of a few weeks my in-laws and my wife there just weren’t getting along they were rubbing each other the wrong way they were perhaps trying to dominate each other and relationships really started to melt down there I did not really notice it because I was so busy with my job doing my YouTube thing on the side and so I just realized that people weren’t getting along at all which is a really hard position for me to be in now what’s frustrating is at the time we were also looking into buying the house so we became very desperate in our bidding like we would bid on houses that maybe completely burned down and then we’d say well you know we can just renovate it and you know these are expensive houses in the bay area we would bid beyond our range and say well maybe we can rent out half of the house and recover some of our costs that way it just didn’t feel like these decisions were really that rational and meanwhile the apartment hunting that just wasn’t going so well we tried but we’re quite picky and what we’re looking for not to make matters worse in my opinion my ex started making decisions that were not safe for our child because relationships were not good at home she would take our son and just drive him around all day it surprised me one day when I realized that as soon as I left for work she left too and then when I came back from work she would come back a little bit later and she would have been out the whole day with my kid and I just felt that that wasn’t so safe so I complained about this and she decided that one day that she’ll go over to Japan and she took my son over there and thought okay fine they’re gonna go on a little vacation trip while she was out she actually told me that she would not come back until I could secure another place for her so I began scrying and looking at houses that I could buy and we wanted to buy a house but with this type of leverage in hand and the short timeline because I really wanted to see my son again I decided to buy this apartment this place four thousand dollars a month now that’s way beyond my price range time used in our last apartment was $2,800 so this was a big jump up by thought well hey maybe it’s worth it right maybe this consensus buy her over 12 months it’s essentially a fifty thousand dollar deal present for her and I thought that she would come back and she would be delighted unfortunately when she came back she was still embedded and angry at my parents and decided to cut my whole side of the family off which is okay like I can I can try to work with that but it became strange when she started inviting her side of the family over she would invite her mother over and then we would be doing vacation trips and just started not feeling really fair and I realize in-laws don’t have the best relationships that’s fine I’m not asking for anybody to be passed by these here but I think that people need to have some workable relationship at least be on talking terms here now there are some people who would cut off their in-laws which I wouldn’t really recommend you know I think people should just be happy and love each other you know life is so short as it is and everybody is suffering so like just make it a better place but besides the emotional hurt it causes from taking away somebody’s grandchild there are also issues with wealth management inheritance so since my ex-wife decided to cut off my parents and coincidentally at the same time my parents were setting up a living trust and which funds would go through me and into her I asked my ex-wife what we should do about the inheritance and it’s pretty sizable because my parents are they’ve done well in their life as well she actually said she didn’t want any part of that inheritance she wanted to be out of that well that required me to start looking into said they have like a living trust which is just another complete hassle and pain to get through not to mention I do not personally like the idea of like let’s say I suddenly died all of my assets will probably just disappear and go into Japan my ex-wife and our son she would just take him into Japan and they would never see or talk to my family ever again they would just disappear into that Land of the Rising Sun which it’s okay kind of but it’s also not quite the legacy that I had in mind right it’s not really the cause that I have been trying to support it doesn’t represent what I live for I really value family and relationships and I wish people would just get along with that so that’s not personally at the type of legacy that I would enjoy besides that there are a number of tax benefits you can get number one if you didn’t know in an inheritance event all cost faces get stepped up so if your parents have like a house that appreciate that a lot in value normally they would have to pay a lot of capital gains on that if you inherit any asset like that and they can be stocks as well that may have appreciated a lot then the cost basis gets stepped up such that you will pay no taxes on that but the only way to take advantage of this though is that you need to have good relationships with your parents in which they will leave you something what we’re talking about here is intergenerational wealth which is funny that’s a term that I think many young people do not care about or think about maybe because they’re poor or their parents are poor or so they don’t think about it but once you start having some assets it’s something that you think about and care about a little bit like all the work that you put in over your lifetime and that your parents put in over their lifetimes it should flow into a cause that you think is worthy and yeah I see a lot of young people today they’re so immature they’re going around trashing their parents their in-laws burning those bridges anyways what happens here is that these my events they can start to pile up snowball up over time until they become this huge boulder that can just steamroll your relationship I would try to get my ex-wife to just try to get along with my parents just be on speaking terms just talk about the weather or something meet for half an hour once a month or something there’s just nothing I could do to convince her to do that and this is where my success actually seemed to make things worse because I would try offering her fancy dinners jewelry presents nothing would change her mind and I want to clarify that in the relationship I don’t feel that there was any malice or ill will simply people weren’t getting along because there were differences in communication style and values as well beyond that there were so many other misunderstandings that building up over time being the non-confrontational person that she is she doesn’t really communicate much she doesn’t talk that much and then she would come and explode at me and any time I tried to explain any of this she view of any explanation as like an argument and that’s things built up she probably just got so fed up one day I did not see this coming she took my kid and just vanished went back to Japan maybe there were some other motivation she had that no she was talking to some guy on Facebook I know that her mother’s been sick she may have just preferred Japan as well my overall recommendation here for you though is to try to take some time and talk things out with your partner and understand each other and I should note that this is it’s extremely one-sided it’s just my view of things but the purpose of this video is really not to make any judgment calls on who’s right who’s wrong who’s good who’s bad I hope to do is just illustrate how a marriage can collapse for those of you who may be wondering maybe you’re young or naive enough to not really comprehend how a love that seems so enduring and strong can collapse so they’ll do for me feel free to share the video with anybody who you think needs to see this if you like the video give it a like and subscribe and I’ll see you next time Thanks bye

100 thoughts to “Why my wife left me (how our marriage collapsed)”

  1. This is so interesting to watch! I'd consider myself lower-middle class (poor by your standards ^-^) LOL But still, so interesting to watch.

  2. Marriage in the USA is illogical for men. I stick and move. I never mention marriage or children but women do. Through my travels I have discovered better women in foreign countries. The difference is the system here breeds and fosters gender toxicity. The birth rate is going down in the west because marriage unfairly favors women!

  3. 7:04
    Lmao. The best revenge you can get on a woman when she leaves is to get all sad about the tax deductions you lost.

  4. two women and one house. Never worth living through. Short term or long. Plus your wife was a Can't Understand Normal Thinker.

  5. You moved back in with your parents. Now she’ll see you as a child not a man and won’t think you can protect her children. Numbers in a bank don’t mean much to our instincts.

  6. She took your son to Japan and told you that you wouldn't see your son until you got a house? Dude she kidnapped your son and gave you an ultimatum. You should have got your son back and divorced her. That's a bitch, in my book.

  7. "Being the non-confrontational person that she is, she doesn't really communicate much, she doesn't talk that much and then she would come and explode at me."

    Sounds like she's high in agreeableness; she doesn't know how to be assertive, so her resentments build and then she 'explodes'. Once that happens, the emotions are in control, no reasons will help you then. But if she held her position after the fact, once emotion has dissipated, then she's stubborn and not willing to admit fault. I mean, more vision and attention to detail on your part might have helped, but you're also not a mind reader and she could have made more of an effort to vocalise her wants and needs. The devil is in the details. Sorry this happened to you and best of luck moving forward. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

  8. It happened to all of us. We lost at a point our job, the wife quit. That does not mean they never loved us. They were once in love with us. That is they WERE in love with us. But the in-love phase almost never lasts more than 3 years. By the time a child is born there is no love either, there can only be respect. And respect comes only when you put the money in. How much money depends on her avarice. What she was seeing there was that she was married to a potentially high-earning engineer who then joined Google with bright career prospects only to change that by moving to Facebook, changing houses and places and imposing her to live with his parents, that is not at all the life she dreamed, and then? Then her potentially high-earning engineer loses his job at Facebook for some little video he made, i.e. for speaking out his mind. She gets frightened that this man, though bright, is self-destructive, gets the kid and flies away trying to extort her man to change life-stance but she is more or less convinced that he is not going to do that anymore.

    One can blame the man for whatever but the whole issue is about the woman losing faith. Women lose faith long before they become unfaithful. They are basically hardwired to lose faith, is it a survival strategy for females. This is why all what we have been fed about women in the past (since post-WWII basically) is wrong. We need to go back to the wisdom of our forefathers who would call apples apples and oranges oranges.

  9. To your parents virtually NO ONE is good enough to be with you, so pretty much anybody you marry they will have a problem with them.

  10. If he wants to be near his son then he should just go to Japan. He has the luxury of being able to do his job anywhere in the world, most of us can only dream of that, and what does he do? He chooses to stay in crappy USA. I just don't understand that.

  11. Talking about fresh wounds and reflecting on how it ends is rather brave. Not everyone is open to share their struggles esp when it comes to relationship. Hence, I salute your courage. I can see why people continue to watch your channel bcoz of your authenticity which is very rare to find. You should watch Esther Perel's work. She certainly can give you some fresh prespective about marriage and relationship. I am paraphrasing but one of Esther's talk about modern relationship is, we are delusional to think that just bcoz you are with someone (companion, partner or exclusive relationship) that he/she will never leave. Once we accept this fact, we will always strive to spend each day with our partner as if it is our last. We are our own individual, the same goes for any marriage or relationship. You can never force someone to stay but you can only hope that one will choose to stay and spend every day with you. No contract nor certificate can enforce this. This is what I believe modern relationship.

  12. If she didn't want your parents side of the inheritance, that really speaks to her character not being money minded.. so maybe you should reflect to yourself that this all comes down to you not being there for her, hearing her out, and putting yourself in her shoes. I'm not saying you're the only one to blame, relationships crumble as a result of action or inaction from two people.. and it seems like you didn't do your part.

  13. Bitter and sour can be good for you though. Conflicts on housing are often times the straw that breaks the camel's back. Often times men can become boys in the presence of their parents. Sometimes fate intervenes which is for your best interest in the long run. Maybe better things are on your horizon. Give it some time. You may end up being grateful for the change in the long run. Life is peculiar in that way. Sometimes astrology can help you find someone more compatible.

  14. I could only hear one mistake: Moving in with in-laws. No other mistakes? You also don't talk very much about your emotions. Perhaps another mistake was to think that she could be won back with material things, she was not interested in the inheritance or the fancy meals or gifts; there must have been something emotional she wasn't getting. I'm surprised because it's my understanding Japanese people tend to get along and collaborate and try very hard to be kind and respectful with one another and it's usually a one strong culture.

  15. Go Mgtow women are not worth it do a cost benefit analysis on it you’ll see you were played,being the male shovel isn’t necessary anymore.

  16. How about taking some responsibility. How about having an idea about what is happening in your house. I have experienced this as well. My in laws don't understand boundaries. They want things there way and see things only from their perspective. There comes a point after 20 years, you stop trying. My in laws live abroad, like 7-8 hrs on a plane and pretty much demanded I take my daughter who is under 12 months at the time for his birthday party. That's the type of self indulgent, thoughtless people I'm talking about. Oh in case your asking they had already come over to see her, living in my place and not even helping her daughter (my wife) during those difficult first few months. I was doing my best whilst working full time. In laws sit on a iPad, lab top checking his share portfolio while we prepare breakfast for his highness. So yeah, maybe take a good look at the situation before saying shit like I wish everyone got along. Perhaps have the balls to say to your parents what they need to be told. Stop acting like a weak beta male.

  17. When you get married and haven't figured out who you are as a man or as a woman things tend to go to shit because one day you will wake up and look at the person laying next to you and start to think who the hell is she and who the hell is he and you wonder why there's so much toxicity I tell you why there's a stranger in your bed and anyone would be uncomfortable in a situation like that so it become resentment and that's when things turn into hell on Earth

  18. You're an EDUCATED Japanese guy for Christ's sakes. You're SUPPOSED to be the SMARTEST Men on EARTH! Don't you realize your soon to be Ex wife KIDNAPPED your child when she took him out of the US to go to Japan WITHOUT your consent! That's a CRIME Punishable by a PRISON SENTENCE! That"s a HUGE bargaining chip in the Divorce Settlement. BEST you USE it. You MAY be able to get out of paying Alimony by agreeing NOT to press charges!

  19. Thank you for sharing. I really like your outlook and I want to share your video. There are people that enter your life for a reason. Thanks for passing what you’ve learned on to others.

  20. Feminism bro. As a man you can’t direct or guide your wife/family. You will be viewed as controlling , abusive, unsupportive, and everything else negative. God forbid you try to use logic and reason you will get shot down.

  21. Thanks so much for sharing this honestly and openly. Sorry for your loss. Others will benefit from this, and I hope your future brightens.

  22. I've seen this before where Japanese women leave their husbands and take the kid back to Japan with them. Cruel and selfish.

  23. Read this book
    Family Wealth–Keeping It in the Family: How Family Members and Their Advisers Preserve Human, Intellectual, and Financial Assets for Generations

  24. “Talk things out”???? Are you insane? Men == logical. Women == no logic, just a mishmash of past unrelated experiences. Talking don’t work .

  25. To make a long story short, generally women do not leave great men. There are naive there as well, but not so many… Better to be alone, than to be with the wrong one!

  26. I don't know how I ended up here but I hope you start looking inward and recognize what YOU did and could have done differently. Unless you change, I feel sorry for the next woman

  27. This makes me sooooo sad. My hubbys mom is my best friend and she spoils me. When I moved to be with my husband, new country, new everything she was there for me. In the beginning I found it a little annoying that she would call me every day to go out. Always buying me stuff me cheer me up due to culture shock. It's been about 5 years and when I look back I am so greatful for her. I remember in the beginning, I was a bit depressed and didn't want to leave the house, she would drive over and knock on the door till I answered. Now that I am out of that rut, she backed off and now I am the one always visiting her, taking her out to lunch etc. We have a girls day once a week. Now my husband says it's 2 against one 😭😭😭🤣. It's always hard in the beginning with in-laws because of stereotypes. Mothers especially wants what's best for their sons and that sometimes may seem like they don't like you, but that is never the case. They just want their kids to be happy and If that means ruffling some feathers then so be it. If you are too thinned-skin to deal with that, don't marry into that family. It's not fair to have someone cut off their family just because you can't grow a pair and be civil. People who aren't mature enough to talk out their differences should never get married. I would never ask my hubby to do that, no matter what. Family is too important.

  28. Why the fuck everyone judging TechLead?! He is a victim here, she took his son away from him, moved to another country! As a wife she must've support, encourage him! Just read a story about Eric Baron game developer. His wife supported him til the end. They moved to his parent's house too, and nothing scary happened. You know what's wrong with this world, it's the fact that women, children, pets loved by default. But not men, men loved only when they can make money and not cheating. When a wife cheats, she becomes a victim. She cheated because her husband didn't pay enough attention to her, and he didn't pay attention because he was busy at work making money for their children.

  29. One thing about being to understanding.. you become a push over.. sometimes im cool with something my girl is doing but ill still shut it down becuase im king nutts around herd

  30. Work, work grind, side hustle, work work, grind and side hustle. Earn the cream so later in life you can retire at 30 banking them Supermodels in the Caribbean

  31. Yeah… Those savings and coupons…

    Being too busy with work and hobbies to notice or guide the rest of the people in the family sucks. Being present matters.

  32. Ok let me get this straight. Your wife and kid left you and you make a million dollar salary. Congratulations life begins now have fun! Start with some drugs and hookers you’ll feel much better

  33. Interesting how you thought you were trying to communicate, but it seems like your wife was not. This is so common. Then she just leaves without notice. There is nothing a man can get in marriage that he cannot get without it. Never get married. Keep the government out of your life as much as possible.

  34. Nothing's guaranteed in this life. You seem pretty strong. You'll be alright. Women are just like the weather. Sunny one minute and thunder storming the next.

  35. 9:13
    Bingo! That yakuza boss (small dick and all) kinda out performs your inheritance!
    You dodged a bullet missile! Had she pulled this shit after she got her hands on the family cash and left you, +/- kid, assed out… YO…!

  36. All you seem to talk about is the finance in your relationship… you don't seem like an romantic adept person or have any intuitive skills in understanding female emotions.

  37. If she couldn’t be around your parents while you were gone to the point where she had to drive around all day, that’s pretty bad. One should put his or her spouse’s feelings ahead of his/her parents’ because the spousal relationship is much more intimate. It sounds like you might have been seeing things from too rational a lens and were too focused on logical long term planning, which can be good; however, you maybe needed to balance that with better empathy before simply making demands based solely on possibility being overly concerned about your son.

  38. This was one of the most cold and calculating discussions on marriage I've ever witnessed. There was no warmth, nothing but bitterness and a lack of empathy and emotion. This was a union, there was love at one point, and now there's a brokenhearted little boy lost in limbo between two different worlds and he doesn't understand why mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore.

    Now, someone else will come along and raise him and I hope and pray that man is capable of learning that you don't have to be someone's father to be their daddy. I hope he's not a statistic and ends up with a horrible and abusive stepfather who is just as cold and mechanical as his own father.

    Look. I know you're human, I know you're just as confused and hurt and probably don't know how to show it, but bitterness and mockery and sly digs aren't the way. Your son will see this one day and he'll see the lack of warmth, hear about the money, and just feel cold.

    Love with your heart, not your wallet. It's an irreplaceable form of currency, but it also buys you the best life.

  39. My deepest condolences. Honestly, if I had to bet money, you could get her back. You just need to man the fuck up. I know it sound ridiculous and what does that even mean? But trust me on this one. If you get your ass to the gym everyday, increase your charm, and stand your ground in an assertive manner, she will be back. The problem is that you think that being nice is the answer here, it’s not. She wants you to fight for her, she wants you to not need her, she wants you to show her what you’re made of. She gave up. But I can assure you if you made these changes, she would choose you over any new man she meets. I know because I went through something very similar.

  40. Interesting stuff. I liked and subscribed! I really want to talk to you to help you with the Japan situation and you could help me understand retirement.
    We can maximize our value in Japan so you don’t have to worry about people escaping from you with your kid.

  41. Is this the guy who lost all of his money (and then some) trading cryptos? AND he hooked up with a no-good gold digger? Great decision maker!

  42. I'm no marriage expert and I'm not coming for you at all, but, I feel like there was a lack of communication in your relationship that was manageable for sometime until this situation. Seems like you both were going through the motions but didn't take the time to communicate your desires, perspectives, or issues before it was to late. Like I said not trying to make you feel bad but I think there's always a lesson to be learned.

  43. Your videos help a lot of people
    Your wisdom and experience combined with your “Relevant” dynamics are intriguing !
    Sounds like a woman fleeced you in a “hit & run.” That’s like stealing tires off a great car you already have a title to! Cheap thieves can be immature, self sighted and lack logic.
    Hope you’re FaceTiming your son and he has an adlitem that protects his assets and his right to his father. A woman can not steal a father from a sons heart. He will forever seek for and need your approval, love and protection in giving this to him, “no matter what, the rest of his life”
    What a grate library of experience !

  44. I don't quite believe in intergenerational wealth if I spend my whole life working for something I'm not going to give it to someone who could work for their own just as I did

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