Thomas Cooper – “CIS MALE SUPERPOWERS” @WANPOETRY (SLC CYPHER 2019)

Thomas Cooper – “CIS MALE SUPERPOWERS” @WANPOETRY (SLC CYPHER 2019)


– Batman has Robin, Flash has Wally West, even Mermaid Man has Barnacle Boy. It seems superheroes always come in duos, each savior needs a sidekick. Gets boring watching the same guy save the world all the time. But hasn’t that ever struck
you as a little suspicious? Two dudes always following
each other around, secret identities, magic
powers, way too much spandex! I’m telling you, Richard
Nixon doesn’t want you to know this, but the secret
to superpowers is being gay! (crowd laughs) What I mean is Fredric
Wertham was on to something! In 1954 he published,
“Seduction of the Innocent”, a book that criticized
the comic book industry and introduced the idea that Batman and Robin were a little, you know. When called before the senate subcommittee on juvenile delinquency, Fredric claimed comic
books were more dangerous to American youth than Hitler! Imagine that! Sounds crazy, but it’s true. What he knew is if the
secret ever got out, every blue blooded American boy would be out there with
a dick in his mouth, hoping to be blessed with powers! (crowd laughs) You know how Fredric died? Assassinated by Nixon in his sleep! Strangled to death for revealing secrets! (crowd laughs) Fredric didn’t know what he was doing, he like so many men of his time, simply could not handle the thought of two men kissing. He thought this whole comic
book thing was a conspiracy to lure unsuspecting straight men to the sin of homosexuality! But no! Batman and Robin only seemed gay because sucking dick
gives you superpowers! (crowd laughs) Oh Fredric, you fool! You were so close to
opening the eight gate, going super saiyan, getting
dosed with gamma rays! But your disgust at gays made you blind to the truth! I won’t make the same mistake. I’m going to find some
random unsuspecting guy, drag him into a dark alley and do what I need to do to become something great! (crowd laughs) Being a standard issue human is so boring, pop culture’s obsessed
with superhero stories, and I want people to care about me! So there I was, doing the thing, waiting to feel the transcendent surge that would indicate I’m
becoming superhuman! But it never came! So embarrassed! (crowd laughs) You know what? Maybe it doesn’t work if you’re straight. Cis males don’t have any magic in them, the fates stripped us of our enchantments for enslaving the planet! Sucking dick doesn’t do
anything for us anymore! Maybe this is the source of that white male fragility
I hear so much about? Anyway let my mistake be a lesson to you! Though Batman and Robin are probably gay and the evidence seems to say otherwise, straight guys can’t get
superpowers by sucking dick! Don’t misconstrue the
clues, it’s not our thing! Sorry dudes. Anybody got a towel? (crowd cheers)

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